Saturday, December 31, 2016

Christmas Letter Eight

Drowning the Sound of Songbirds With a Roto Tiller

Her majesty Queen “Froth at the mouth at the sight of mustard” Jonah (known to our family as Cousin Crackpot # 7 twice removed) moved nicely along in her bid to gain respect and notoriety within her immediate family this fall.  Over the summer she broke into her brother Wally, “Cleanest toenails in my County” Beefjudge and built 19 small pyramids constructed of mothballs around his house including one under each of his dining room chairs.  She then promptly contacted the neighbors on either side of his home and let them know that Wally would soon be fighting an Egyptian moth war and to purchase much duct tape.  When asked what quantity “much” was, she replied, “How many ducts do you have?”  I can’t tell you if this made sense to the neighbors, but on her telling of the story during the August Beefjudge family reunion, Her Majesty received a standing ovation.

Wally’s Sister, Lilly Beth “Lampholder” Beefjudge was also in on the act this year with some truly innovative ideas.  Lilly Beth trolled the internet for the largest part of the year in order to find a partner in a world record attempt.  In the later part of July, Lilly found a willing partner somewhere in Africa named Calisso.  After some email exchanges, Lilly Beth suggested a “cultural gift exchange” in order to learn more about each other’s cultures and that she would be sending a gift from the States.  After a week or so passed, the below email exchange occurred between Lilly Beth and Calisso:

Dear Lampholder,

I today by postal received most unique item in small box.  I spending much time this day researching by way of internet as to meaning of gift, please tell more about gift, is this American Custom?



Dear Calisso,

I am very pleased that you received the box and its contents in such a quick time.  We are one quarter the way to a new record!  The contents are something we call broccoli in America.  Please untie the attached string and keep it always with you to keep the evil demons away from your insides.  This American magic secret works and is invaluable!  You will also notice a smaller piece of cardboard included that can be folded and taped to make a box in which to send the broccoli back to me.  After you send the broccoli back to me, I will send it back to you, then you will send it back to me.  After I receive it the second time, we will likely become as you like to say, “American Famous”.  I have spent much time researching, and we will be the first world record co-owners for the “Most traveled food element”.




The third and youngest of the Beefjudge clan, Henry “Finch sized Sweater” Beefjudge took advantage this year of the internet as well.  Henry started a free dinner contest in October on his internet site asking for entrants to please email him photographs of them smiling.  He then sent various email responses such as, “Can you meet for dinner next Thursday, I’m having Tilapia?”, “Your smile is wide and interesting, can you dine this Monday, I’m having mahi mahi?”, and “If that’s a mole I’m having Ostrich, if it’s a wart, then I’ll have to go with the pork chops, please respond and are you open for dinner on Saturday?” In the event a contestant met Henry for dinner, he would explain that he prefers to dine with folks who resemble the main course.
Please remember, good things come to those who wait, but if one of those good things is a banana, don’t wait too long.  

Cheers to the Good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson who left us in February to search for the next high water mark, who unknowingly goaded me into new kinds of thinking and the occasional bad decision. Godspeed and rest in peace man.

Res ipsa loquitur
(Let the Good Times Roll)     


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