Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Christmas Letter Six


Everything is as it should be.  Technology has replaced wishful thinking and the twist as my favorite pastime.  I recently was married online to a beautiful girl named Joanna.  I say beautiful because it’s as likely an accurate descriptive word as any other.  She may turn out to be a plastic donut hidden behind roller skates in some prankster’s attic.  I hope this is not the case, for you see I am not ready to be a single parent.  Yes that’s correct, we have adopted two cyber kids named Elgin and Margueritte.

Elgin is eight years old.  His hobbies include carpooling and drinking chocolate milk.  Margueritte, or as her former care provider likes to call her, Barry, seems swift in the head and heavy in the earlobes, (probably just a digital camera problem).  Joanna and myself spend most evenings giving parental advice to them over the internet in a private chat room they jointly named,  “Do you want to be called Bill?”  We do normal family things.  We discuss world politics, fried foods, and Parker Stevenson.  We tell them how important it is to be clean when attending the symphony.

We sometimes play family games also.  Elgin likes a game he invented call slug pigeon.  It is a derivative of the old game slug bug.  You type in SLUG when you see a pigeon.  He always wins. I think he may live in New York.  The one Barry likes best is called, duct tape the next person you see. Barry loves the book, “Catcher in the Rye”.  She also likes Jodi Foster so much.  I think it’s sweet................... We’re well out of the nineties now and I suppose this is as good a time as any to let you in on a couple of secrets.  I did not invent spray cheese, the doorknob, or the pop group New Kids on the Block.

Sayings I overheard misquoted at family gatherings this year

“Without order nothing can exist – without chaos nothing can evolve – and if your wife is going bring key lime pie again next week, just stay the Hell home”.

“You can’t win them all, but you can lose your car keys in pudding”.

“A bird in the hand has got to be worth something besides ham salad”.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t bake a duck for seven hours”.

Aunt Bonnie ‘Toledo Slew’ (formerly of Seattle with litigation pending) is nearing retirement and has already started her quest to be an accomplished world traveler.  Bonnie recently visited sunny Florida. She said her favorite activity on the jaunt was spending a full week in the Miami sun with her Florida native sister, Boola.  Through the family grapevine, we were told that Bonnie spent one day in the sun, then consumed enough margarita salt to incapacitate her due to swollen ankles. Bonnie’s daughter, Cousin "salad days" Slew has offered some corroboration to this story and allegedly is in possession of several panoramic pictures of Boola’s coffee table.

Boola’s husband, uncle Francis "don’t sleep near my telescope" Slew supposedly told another family member that Bonnie and Boola had a rift and have not spoken since.  Apparently Boola and Bonnie nearly went to blows near the Cuisinart over the mean size of Cornish hens in Florida versus those in Missouri.  No one seems to be clear whether they feel a bigger bird is a better bird.  I personally have always judged by texture………………I think the year 2002 will be peachy beyond anyone’s imagination.  I think old Halogen Bill from down the road said it best when after gazing for a few minutes at the dirt underneath his thumbnail pronounced, “The year 2001 was scruffy, like an uncombed jackass” …………………….This year let’s spend some time combing the jackass.

Rest (or whatever you may happen to be doing) in peace to Ken Kesey and George Harrison.

Love and Progress,


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