The Wanklestein Syndrome (dander feud in process)
Cousin Shennie Wanklestein is neither a large man, nor one most people would invite to a picnic until the entirety of the planet’s ant population decline invitations. He does however, have some ideas he claims will both better the planet AND earn him enough cash to build the world’s largest roller coaster constructed from pressed canine dander. His business plan is simple; he will open a store catering to pet owners nervous about household pet dander. For a fee, Shennie will de-dandrify clients’ pets using an electrostatic apparatus. The tool is currently in pre-patent pending phase due to a small product testing incident resulting in 7 of his neighbors “achieving minor hearing losses” as Shennie describes it.
The store’s slogan is, “IF THE DOG HAS DUST, SEE SHENNIE YOU MUST”. For you see, his philosophy is that life is a marathon, not a foot race. At 26, his plan is for the life clock to begin counting at 30 and end at 50. He estimates it will take approximately 19 years to collect the required amount of dander for the roller coaster and 1 year to construct the behemoth. By his thinking, 0-30 and 50-80 are “fluff”, or as he calls them, “The Fluffenstein Years”. The 0-30 years are meant to be used thinking about plans for pet dander and the 50-80 years are meant to be used writing essays about his experiences collecting the dander while taking a brief daily respite to sniff the newly mimeographed copies.
Unfortunately for family onlookers, Shennie’s twin sister Hatia has taken a passionately opposed stance on her brother’s life plan. She was overheard at a family gathering recently saying, “I would like to snuff my brother with a dander filled pillow or stuffed zebra”. Hatia’s primary pastime when not inspecting olives at the local cannery is continuing education. After lobbying with the local liberal arts college’s dean of physical sciences, she is slowly achieving an associate’s degree in “Not Olives”. She looks forward to the day when she can look interviewers in the eye and say, “I am a hard working, honest person with less than 5 parking tickets who can cook breakfast using only my feet and wrists and who possesses an associate’s degree in not olives”.
Her most recent curriculum fulfillment course came in the form of a C- in astronomy. She claims a B- had been in range mid semester prior to her need to split her focus between studies and her efforts to lead a grass roots campaign titled, “NOT OLIVES STUDENTS AGAINST DANDER COLLECTION”. You see, Hatia came to the realization that improperly displaced dander might disrupt the natural order due to the laws of gravity. Her thesis is that if too much dander is concentrated in one physical place, the weight of the mass of the dander could cause the earth to as she says, “spin wobbly like a ruptured basketball” thus changing its current orbit causing a mass sun burn issue. When asked by the local gossip columnist about the dander feud, Shennie and Hatia’s mother Sparla commented by saying, “The only comment I can legally make is they both adore pudding, they always have and they always will”.
Oh, by the way, uncle Shuckie set a new world record for running backwards for 5 miles in the fog in under 25 minutes, cousin Gaberdine got a new tattoo of a mouse dressed as a doctor performing a lobotomy, and grandma Magdalene still coughs each time she sees a picture of Shennie.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND DON’T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS IN 2009. ONLY TAKE THE REAL ONES AND THEN ONLY TAKE THEM IF THERE ARE MORE THAN 2,000 AND COME WITH A VERY LARGE COIN PURSE.