Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Christmas Letter Four


The old saying goes, Rock n’ roll is for blowing your mind, THE DOORS are for when your mind is already blown.  Well I don’t know who said that, but I’ll bet they would have rethought the statement if they saw DOORS listeners today.................Wow did that come out of my head? That was meant for an essay I was going to write in 1993 of the effects on modern society of a generation of pseudo anarchistic, hedonistic, Age of Aquarius seeking dopes with flowers in their hair and guns on their belts.

It was to be titled, “Cool huh huh, mac and cheese, does anyone want to go camping?”  Here’s the gist so that I won’t have to ever write the sucker.  My advice to anyone over 40 is DON’T RELY ON SOCIAL SECURITY!, the gene pool designed to make the money to support your old age is probably at this moment thinking, Man, what if Jerry Garcia would have lived forever you know, like Bugs Bunny, that would have been cool. ....................Bare with me, I’ll get in the Christmas spirit momentarily.

It has been an excellent year for me.  I had all of my teeth x-rayed twice, the most since 1989.  I plan to do this each year there is at least one 1 in the title of the year.  My neighbor old “Halogen Bill” came by the other evening to whittle and shoot the breeze around the fireplace, and some of his life observations/sayings can’t go without being repeated.  I’m not sure why they call him “Halogen Bill”, but I fear it has something to do with deer hunting.  Here are a few examples. “Never trust a man without first checking the back of his neck for Smurf tattoos.” “Always look both ways before joining a cock fight.”  “Fiddle dee dee, Fiddle dee arthroscopic surgery out for four weeks.”  “Cancor sores, by God we oughta giv’em to the Russians.”  “If you see a nun with a bag of Hershey’s kisses, well you just knash your teeth like a raccoon and I’m bettin’ she’ll give you one.”  “Chronic asthma my ass.”  “Halogen Bill” is one of those guys that even though you may have no common interests and no hope to gain any, you can still get him to mow your yard for 1975 wages.

My cousin Eddie stayed with me for a few days this summer.  He was on leave from his normal life as caretaker of a dog crematorium.  He had been there a couple of days when I awoke to a rumbling in the next room.  I should tell you that Eddie is a known sleep walker.  I went to the living room, then followed Eddie through the front door.  He had his bags packed and seemed ready to leave.  “I’m going down to Georgia to shave the fuzz from all the peaches,” he said.  My response, knowing his condition, and being as caring a relative as possible, I think was appropriate.  “Good damn luck,” I said while throwing a twirling baton between his legs as he attempted to traverse the front steps, thus tripping him......................I think what would cause a lesser amount of regional wars, and thus much less trouble and destruction on the planet, that all peace treaties be in the language of the Navajo Native Americans. Only a few people know the language, so it might take opposing nations years to actually interpret what they signed.

Warning ! there is a pyramid scheme praying on innocent citizens in the area.  You should be apprised.  I, unfortunately was a victim of this scheme.  Here is how it happened.  I was minding my own business rebleaching some faded tube socks in an empty trash receptacle at the post office when a man approached me and asked me if I wanted to be wealthy.  I said, “yes”.  He then told me to cut a small lock of hair from my head and give it to him along with 20 dollars.  He said the hair was in order to keep things legal and to insure that I knew the situation to be legitimate.  I agreed to the proposal.  The scheme worked like a charm sort of.  About two weeks later I started receiving clumps of hair from all over the United States.  I received one clump with a piece of gum stuck in it.  It had a note attached that read, “Please don’t tell Linda Tripp.” Unfortunately, none of these clumps were accompanied by any legal tender.  To make a long story short, I have a closet full of human hair.  I tried to make stew from it but unfortunately it was not edible.

Love and much progress, 

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