Friday, December 23, 2016

Christmas Letter One


So many things have happened in my life during the past year that I'm not sure where to start. One of my younger cousins got promoted to head fry cook at a local Burger King fast food restaurant. This was especially fun for me. I go to the restaurant and watch the cooks fry things. I get to stand pretty close without getting burnt. They gave me a visitor's pass after the first few times I watched. Now I'm legally liable for most things that could happen.

My aunt that lives in the city got what they thought was contagious from a spider mite someone let loose in the dressing room of the clothes store where she works.  I hadn't heard of spider mites before. My aunt told me about them on the phone this summer.  She also told me what socks would be in style.  Then she told me some other ways to bend my toes in order to make them more limber.  I think she's under the impression that I play piano with them.  Anyhow, apparently spider mites crawl under the skin and set up house keeping.

They like warm places near blood.  They mostly crawl under human skin.  They either think we deserve it more than other creatures, or that we will be less likely to figure out how to cause them to vacate the body.  It just so happens that one of my other aunts heard about the spider mites and dreamed of a way to get rid of them.  She decided to put seven or eight rubber bands on her left wrist approximately four inches up from the hand.  Then she wove 10 pound test mono-filament fishing line around each of her fingers.  She then tied the loose ends of the line around the wrist just above the rubber bands.  The rubber bands were used so the fishing line could not slide down towards the hand region.

At this point, with the hand stretched tight open and rendered unable to move, she placed a large amount of strong glue to the palm area of the hand.  She then placed the flat side of a ball end hammer to the glued area.  Once the glue hardened, she hit herself in the right forearm several times in the place where the spider mite may at some time in the future enter her.  She said she got this idea from a dream about meat tenderizing.  We don't know if the method works yet because the aunt with the spider mite is opposed to trying it.

In August we were still able to go swimming because it was still warm.

In September we stopped swimming due to cold weather.

A lot of other interesting things happened to me in 1995.

I was able to extend my record for having a single common cold to over three weeks.  The official record has not yet been posted since I still have the cold.  I'll send everyone a reminder after the first of the year.

I didn't go on vacation this year.  I heard they were out of style.  Gentleman's Quarterly said to just rent it on TV.

I continue to go to the local hospitals as a hobby and pass time.  There seem to be less people with tape worms this year.  I think it's because of the Republicans.  The repercussions are now far too serious.  Last year most people had more than one, but they were below average in size. This year people had only one but they were larger and much more wily.  So say the doctors.

I certainly hope this coming year is as fun as I can imagine it will be.  It will be an election year, an Olympic year, a leap year, and I will turn 30 at the end of it.  Some of my resolutions include: ceasing use of the word "it" when referring to objects instead of people, a slow down in the rapid and orderly fashion in which I change the lint screen in the clothes dryer, (what's so bad about lint when there are much more serious things to debate), and I'm going to start the year off by setting fewer things on fire, especially things constructed primarily of tobacco.

I hope you had a happy birthday this year

Love and Progress,

Bryan Harding

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